Becoming Ella: An Opposites Attract Romance Page 19

  "I'll try," I say, more to myself than her.

  I log into the call light system and make my way out onto the floor, getting all of my patients' eight o'clock vitals done.

  Just like I had guessed from my report, all of my patients seem fine. Usually, that would be a dream, but I wish I had needier, more complicated patients because of all the thoughts I want to be distracted from today.

  Doing vitals and giving people supplies to get washed up takes my mind off of Will for a little bit. I focus as hard as I can on my surroundings, talking with patients more than I regularly would. My only lady who isn't independent, who I was hoping would want a bed bath, refuses.

  By eight-thirty, I have a blank to do list, and all of the other aids are on top of their sections, no lingering call lights going off. I go back to the break room, deciding to get a head start on my charting. I am just clicking into my first patients' chart when Jessa plops into the chair beside me.

  "Hey, girl!" she exclaims, smiling big at me.

  She tosses her stethoscope onto the empty desk space beside her and fluffs her hair back from her shoulders.

  "Already having a day?" I ask as she huffs and drains the rest of her thermos.

  We don't share any patients today, and I know that her patients are in the front middle, which seems like the unit's neediest section.

  "You don't even know," Jessa laughs, her fingers moving quickly over the keyboard as she signs in. "All of my people are nice, but they're needy."

  "Do you need any help?"

  "No, I've got it. And Brittany, from Resource Pool, is really great. I told her that she should apply to the floor because she's so on top of her shit."

  She starts clicking quickly through her first patient, charting her first assessment. I watch as she scrolls through all of the boxes.

  "You remember Alice?" she asks, turning to me. "Older lady, she had an LVAD, just got a transplant. You said you really liked her the last time she was here, a couple of months ago?"

  I perk up, happy to hear mention of one of my all-time favorite patients. I've had plenty of good patients before, but some just stick with you. Alice is one of them for me.

  The first time she was here, I was new on the unit, which meant I was terrified of everything. Alice was the first patient with an LVAD I had ever taken care of before, and it being my first CNA job and first week on my own, those things especially petrified me.

  I was expecting Alice to be a challenging patient, but, instead, she was the first patient to be sweet to me. She explained things about her LVAD to me and showed me the best spots to get a doppler MAP on her.

  She had been in room three for the first couple of months I was off orientation and has been back a couple other times. Everyone on the unit likes her, but everyone also knows that I adore her. They always tell me when she's here so I can go and see her.

  "Of course I remember Alice," I say.

  "She's in room twenty if you want to pop in. She's up in the chair and just ordered breakfast."

  I'm logging out of the computer before Jessa can finish her sentence. She smiles knowingly at me.

  I squeeze past another nurse and head down to room twenty. Sure enough, there is Alice.

  She smiles the second I poke my head in, and I can't help but smile back at her. It feels good to genuinely feel something other than numb and sad.

  "Hey, baby!" she exclaims, ushering me over.

  "Hey, Alice!" I say, crossing her room quickly.

  She leans up, and I lean down. We give each other a quick hug. She smells like baby oil and coconut, just like always.

  The last time she was here, she had a curly wig, but now, she has a long straight one. She always looks so fabulous with her different hairstyles and manicured nails. Today, they are longer neon green acrylics. Instead of wearing a hospital gown, she is dressed in her own floral silk gown.

  "How you been, baby?" she asks, pointing to the chair next to her.

  I take a seat without thinking about it. "I've been okay," I say, lying easily. "Tell me about you!"

  I want to hear about how she's been. Apart from being the nicest and most memorable patient I've ever had, she's also the most interesting.

  Many people tell me stories from their youth and talk about it with remorse, sad that they never got to do all the things they wanted to. They tell me all the things they wished they had done.

  Alice has always been the complete opposite. Her stories are always about things she's done, and she always has pictures to prove it. She's never spoken of her past with remorse. If there's something Alice wants to do, she does it. She never lets anything hold her back.

  She narrows her eyes, and I feel exposed. "We'll talk about how you really are in a second, baby, cuz I know 'okay' ain't the truth. But I've been really good. Just got back from visiting my son down south, actually."

  I try to ignore the first part. Alice has always had a motherly way about her that enables her to tell when someone is lying. I've been in the room before when she's called out doctors and other visitors.

  "Where down south is he again?" I ask.

  "Georgia. I had my man friend drive me down there. It worked out good, cuz Alice doesn't like to drive."

  We laugh, and before I know it, she is pulling out pictures to show me her new "man friend." Alice is an open book, another thing I admire so much about her.

  She flicks through pictures of her trip, showing me her son, his house, the views, and some of the things she did when she was there.

  When she gets to the last picture, she closes her phone and puts it back in her purse, which takes up most of the room on her table.

  "Now, tell me how you've really been," she says, leaning back in her chair and crossing her arms expectantly at me.

  I know that I won't get away with lying to her, so I take a deep breath and start talking.

  "Honestly, Alice, I've been better," I start, wringing out my hands.

  I start to tell her about how the last couple of weeks have been for me. How Will came back into my life, how I was so opposed to him at first, and then I actually started to like him. She laughs when I tell her all of my stories from camping. Talking about that stuff makes me happy, and I find myself smiling, although sadder because of how things are different now.

  "So why aren't you with that Will right now? You'd rather be here, wiping butts?"

  I sigh. She sounds so much like Violet. I realize that all of them — Will, Violet, and even Alice, are more similar than I initially thought.

  "I have to have my life together, Alice," I tell her, going over my usual script. "I can't just quit my job and go live out on the road. I have to go to school and get a degree that is going to give me a good, stable career."

  Alice cuts me off with a wave of her hand. "Baby, you are so smart and driven and goal-oriented, and all of that is amazing. But you also need to know how to have some fun. Would it really be so bad if you dropped down your hours here and went traveling some more with Will this summer? Or if you took him up on his offer of moving in with him? The boy sounds like he really loves you and that he just wants you to be happy. Honestly, it sounds like he wants you to be happier than you want to be happy."

  I don't know what to say to any of that. The stupid tears are back in the corners of my eyes. I bite down on my lip to make sure that none of them slip out.

  "You know, I've had quite the life. I've gotten to do things that I would have never thought possible when I was a little girl. And by a little girl, I mean my early twenties. I was a little more like you back then. I thought I had to have my entire life together, know exactly what I want, and stick to every single plan and goal. I was able to do it for the first couple years of my twenties before I learned that it was exhausting and not worth it. You're only young once, baby. You don't want to look back and realize that you never let yourself be young."

  She smiles at me and squeezes my hand. I squeeze back and sneak a look at the clock behind her; I've been in her
e for a half-hour. I should get back on the unit, but I don't want to. I want to talk and sit with Alice all day and listen to her stories.

  "You have to get going, huh?" Alice asks.

  I nod. "I wish I could stay in here and talk to you all day."

  "Well, you know I'll be back sooner rather than later. And you know what? The next time I'm here, you better have some more good stories about you and Will."

  She winks at me, and then there is a knock on the door. We both turn to see a food service employee, balancing her full tray in their hands.

  "Hi there. Can I have your name and date of birth?"

  "I'll swing by later," I say, scooting out of my chair.

  Alice rattles off her information, and the guy passes me her tray, which I set up on her table.

  "What'd you get today?" I ask, arranging her things so that everything fits.

  "Just some toast. Pretty much the only thing that isn't shit around here."

  I laugh, caught off guard by her curse, and she laughs with me.

  "See you later, baby," she says, waving as I make my way out.

  Talking with Alice always leaves me feeling inspired and carefree. I realize just how much I want to tell her more exciting stories the next time I see her. Thinking of what she said about Will makes my stomach do little nervous flip flops, wondering if that is even an option anymore.

  No. He's long gone by this point.

  I lose myself in the bustle of the day shift.

  Things pick up as patients are taken for procedures and wake up more. My only lady who doesn't get up independently wants to walk in the halls. When we pass Alice's room, she winks at me.

  I look at the small, older woman walking beside me and wonder how her life has gone. Maybe she's had a good life, maybe she's had a hard life. Perhaps she's had a life full of regrets, or maybe she has a past so wild that it would shock me.

  I wonder what her dreams were when she was a child and if they ever got achieved. I wonder what the last ten years of her life have been like. I wonder if there was a time in her life that was significantly better than others, and why. I wonder how many times she's fallen in love and what the best day of her life looked like.

  Watching this older woman, I realize that certain things don't matter as much as I've always thought they do.

  It doesn't matter if people thought you were a weird kid. After high school, you will probably never see those people again, and if you do, you can move and start a new life for yourself somewhere completely new. It doesn't matter. At the end of the day, everyone gets old, and stuff like that just doesn't matter anymore.

  When you're older or near the end of your rope, the only thing that matters is that all too soon, your life will be over. And when you're at that point, it doesn't matter who said what. It really just comes down to whether or not you've enjoyed your life and used your time wisely.

  It doesn't matter what other people think of you because their time is running out too. You can choose to do whatever you want with your time. The only thing that matters about how you choose to spend your time is how you feel when you are about to run out of it.

  After a walk around the unit, I help my lady back into bed. She asks me to tuck her in, so I do, tucking the blanket gently under her chin and fluffing her pillows up.

  After she's comfortable, I walk out of her room, feeling changed by the last hour. After talking with Alice and walking with the lady, I realize how stupid I've been.

  I've been letting myself be held back by what I think are other people's expectations of me. I've allowed my mother's expectations to take over and mold my life into what she believes it should be like. I've let her decide who I should be instead of thinking about who I want to be.

  When Will first came back into my life, I realized that he was the exact opposite of me, but I didn't realize how significant that was. I saw him and his lifestyle and judged that there must be something wrong with him. It never occurred to me that there could have been something wrong with me.

  Will lives fearlessly, seeking what he wants out of life. He doesn't allow life to just happen to him. He goes out and tries things that he wants to try, does what he wants to do. He knows that his time is limited and could be over at any moment, and therefore he makes the best out of all the time he has. His level of living intimidated me because it is the complete opposite of the way I live.

  I live in the lines; he colors outside of them. I wonder what other people think I should do. Will doesn't care. I thought that was childish, idiotic, maybe even a little selfish, but I realize now that I couldn't have been more wrong.

  Because at the end of the day, the opinions of others don't mean anything. You end up at the same fate regardless.

  Those other people aren't going to be thinking about you when their time comes; they will be thinking about how they used their own time. And if they are thinking about you, that shows more about them than it does you.

  22

  When I get home, I let myself cry. Today wasn't a bad day. I had lovely patients, I wasn't swamped, and I worked with my favorite coworkers. Typically, all of that combined would make for a perfect day. But now, all I feel is tired, sad, and most of all, I miss Will Keely.

  I head back to my room, stripping my clothes as I go. By the time I reach my door, I am just in my bra and underwear. I open my door, only to be met by Violet's shrill shriek.

  "Hey, baby!" Violet screams, throwing herself off my bed.

  I scream, shocked to see her there. My dirty scrubs are knocked to the floor as Violet wraps her arms tightly around me.

  "What are you doing here?" I ask, my face smashed against her chest.

  She squeezes harder, effectively cutting off the rest of my air supply. I weakly pat her back, trying to let her know that she's close to killing me if she keeps hugging me like this any longer. She lets up, and I turn my head to the side, sucking in sweet air.

  Violet smells like lavender and lemon, which I never would have thought worked, but of course, it does, because she's Violet. Her soft, curled hair brushes across my face, making me feel like I'm going to sneeze, but she pulls away before I can.

  "I can't come and see my babygirl?" Violet asks, pulling me back in.

  I laugh and remember that I am half-naked. Violet doesn't seem fazed by it in the slightest. Honestly, we've done weirder things in our friendship.

  Also, this is the type of hug I didn't know I needed until now. When Violet moved away to school, it was like a part of my heart went with her. And now, I didn't realize how much I had missed her. Honestly, this surprise makes everything bad in my life feel alright right now.

  "I'm really happy that you're here," I say, tears welling up in my eyes.

  Violet must sense that I am on the verge of crying because she pulls me in even tighter.

  "Aw, babygirl, good to see that you miss me that much."

  She tries to make a joke out of it, which makes me feel a little bit better, and I laugh awkwardly against her chest. It comes out sounding congested because of all the snot that flooded my nose.

  Violet pulls away from me, and she gives me a sad, knowing smile. She is wearing a purple halterneck bodysuit and black high waisted skinny jeans, looking fabulous as always. Her curled hair is half up, half down, and I notice she's gotten her highlights touched up.

  "Your highlights look amazing," I say, picking my dirty scrubs off the floor and tossing them in my hamper.

  "Thanks, Elly. I got them done right before I came down to see you."

  "I didn't know that you were planning on surprising me," I say, grabbing my towel from the back of my door.

  I still need to shower before I cozy up with her. Even though today was a good and not-as-gross-as-usual day, that doesn't mean that I feel comfortable getting into bed with work germs still on me.

  "Well, duh, that's the whole point of a surprise," Violet says, sticking her tongue out at me.

  I roll my eyes, and she scoots back against my headboard, mak
ing herself comfortable.

  "I'll be here when you get out, and then we can talk about whatever it is that's making you cry. Then I can decide if I'm going to need to hunt down Will Keely and beat his ass."

  She pulls her phone out and starts flicking through it as I leave my room for the bathroom. I turn the shower up hot, wanting to rush so that I can talk to my best friend. If only she knew that instead of wanting to kick Will's ass, she's probably going to want to kick mine.

  I leave my hair in a bun and just wash my body, scrubbing quickly over myself. I change into the oversized t-shirt I brought with me.

  When I get back to my room, Violet is still in the same position as when I left her. She pats the space next to her, and I crawl up, tucking myself under my sheets and lay my head on her shoulder. A best friend just always knows.

  "Tell me everything," she says, holding my hand.

  I start with what happened after we came back from camping. It seems like weeks ago, considering how different things are now, but it was only a couple of days.

  I tell Violet about the fair, how I was supposed to work that day, but Will convinced me to take the day off.

  I tell her about seeing my mom and how that changed everything. I describe Will's reaction and how he wouldn't even look at me when he dropped me off. By the end of my story, there are fresh tears in my eyes, which she wipes away.

  "I'm sorry that you're dealing with all of these feelings," she says, hugging me.

  I lean into her hug, letting her pat my back. I know that she will tell me her honest opinions in a minute, but it's nice to have her comfort me and just let it all out. Knowing that she supports me no matter what has always been my favorite part of our friendship. I know that she will always have my back and that I can trust her with anything.

  "You wanna hear what I think?" she asks as my tears slow down.

  I nod.

  "Elly, I know you better than anyone," she starts. "I remember when we were kids that you were the wild and carefree one. You would do anything you set your mind to, and everyone knew that you were the fun one of our duo. When we got to high school, all of that stopped. It was like,…you became more scared? I know that what happened with your parents was really hard on you. I remember that when everything happened with your dad, it was like a light went out inside of you. You stopped wanting to do as many things. You were fine just staying in your lane. Not that that's a bad thing, but it was so different.